!Weak!, !Weird! and !Vulnerable!

These !three! have been (and the last one still is) my nemeses and my blessing.

Let me tell you how.

It was utterly humiliating being the shy and weak one growing up in the streets of Palermo, Sicily, in the 50’. At the same time, it was quite confusing the fact that my sensitivity and shyness were kind of (partially) appreciated and recognized in my family. I grew up confused, divided, rejecting and hiding what I perceived as weakness in myself and projecting it on others. So, inevitably, I had to choose the path of being BAD! Alleluia! I quickly learnt to say NO, to push back, to provoke, to fight, to dominate so I could keep hiding and feel safe. Martial arts practice, meditations, self-inquiry and therapy morphed all these traits year after year in centering, grounding, solidity, contact with myself, until came the day when with my utter surprise I discovered beauty, integrity, gentleness and honor within my !weakness!. And a delightful integration started happening while the compulsion of being bad started dissolving. I was 49 then.

!Weird! I am !Weird! I think as I am sitting on an armchair in the living room of the house where we are living in Venice. Few weeks before my first little dog had died and I had cried my eyes out, and on this day, as I have learnt that my grandad Sebastiano whom I loved deeply passed away and I cannot shed a single tear. I am frozen, stunned, isolated in my numbness and I feel so weird! And what would everyone think about me not crying? I was 12 then.After few months, as I was walking around the narrow streets of Venice, I suddenly had this very strong sense of being enclosed and surrounded by a kind of glass wall that was both protecting and isolating me. I did not have the words and understanding at that time but many years later I could recognize it as my superego (inner judge) defense system in action. Again, I felt !weird! and lonely. Something started changing inside as !weird! slowly became “different” and I allowed myself to feel when and how I was feeling different. In fact, that being different became a pillar of my ego identity, of my being BAD, rebellious, dark, unpredictable and so on. And proud of it. Step after step, revelation after revelation, direct experience after direct experience, working with the koans, especially Who am I and Who is in, I recognized and reconnected with Uniqueness and the mystery of it all. This is going on and on and on...And I love it!

Behind, around and deep into all this there was the main one: !vulnerability!Rejected, avoided, denied, vulnerability has now become a trusted companion, a sought-out friend, a clear door into my heart and emotional intelligence. Scary? Yes, still at times it is so. But that fear is not so much overwhelming as it carries a gentle sense of empathy and excitement. I feel, I am sensitive and open to mine and others’ feelings. I am open to feel the overwhelming nature of reality and stay present with it. I try to be alert as I want to escape vulnerability and jump in reactions, especially rage. I watch what triggers me and how I make myself small, a victim of my own conditioning. Sometimes I succeed, often I don’t but when I don’t, I do not feel I failed as I learn to be more alert and vulnerable. Like in this moment as I share all this with you.

And I feel blessed that I can do that.